Putin on the Ritz

Dear Universal Translator

USA president recently went to Russia and told Russian President that Russia should consider being more like Iraq. Russian President said Russia did not want to have the kind of democracy they have in Iraq, to be quite honest. Then people in audience laughed. Why didn't USA president say Russia should be more like USA? Is Russian President also comedian?

Confused,

Tispaquin

Universal Translator Responds:

Despite a recent software upgrade, latest Universal Translator version is not yet capable of translating all statements by USA president into logically decipherable language units. UT algorithms deployed on USA president statement inputs still yield unacceptable degrees of gibberish and anomalously high references to the consumption of barbequed food products. USA president talking with mouth full of food confounds phoneme isolation algorithm by making individual syllable units more difficult to discern. UT can find no resources in database to explain USA president not urging Russia president to make Russia more like USA in terms of constitutionally ensured liberties; and no explanation for USA president citing to Iraq today, or in recent past or near future, as societal model Russia or any nation would wish to emulate. Comparison with USA to Russia would offer a more robust fit to USA president's purported point because USA residents today have more legally ensured liberties than Russia residents. USA president may have avoided this comparison because USA president believes constitutional liberties in USA must be curtailed so as to preserve same. Sentence illogic correlation is high (p= 0.79) between this and predecessor USA variants, see: "We must destroy the village to save it." and "Love it or leave it." and "We only spy on people who are up to no good." and "The only good Indian is a dead Indian." (no present offense intended). The UT geopolitical algorithm reveals USA president justifications for liberty-limiting actions correlate well (p= 0.88) with same justifications used by Russian president for Russian model; and shows USA now moving closer to Russia model than vice versa. Long-term irony correlation is near unity (p=0.98) given USA stated objective in "Cold War" (c. 1945-1991) was to bring USA type freedoms to Russia people, not bring Russian type prohibitions of freedoms to USA people. Best fit axiom appears to be that stairways go down as well as up. Remember to avoid making sudden, snapping head movements until your head reattachment convalescence has progressed further. Occasional bouts of confusion are normal and to be expected during the healing process.

Sincerely yours,

Universal Translator