Sunday, July 23, 2006

Is Reporting Illegal Things Illegal?

Dear Universal Translator,

Tispaquin here again. Today at the Wading Place under Route 105 bridge in Middleborough I saw a crayfish and also thought of a question. If it is illegal for USA to illegally spy on USA people is it also illegal for USA newspaper to tell USA people USA is spying on them illegally? I don't want to lose my head over this, since I lost my head 331 years ago over similar stuff and the deer sinews around my neck are nice and flexible, they don't itch too much and are doing a good job of keeping my head on straight, literally.

Thank you in advance,


Universal Translator Responds:


It is illegal for USA to spy on USA people unless a special court of USA judges hears USA's reasons for spying on USA people and thinks reasons are very important. Only if these judges say okay can the US start spying. If the judges say no, then USA can't spy. If the USA spies anyways, USA is breaking USA law. If USA does not go to the special court of USA judges before spying on USA people, USA is breaking USA law. It's like going into a store. The basic concept of a store is that nothing in the store belongs to you unless you pay the store for what you take out of the store. If you take something from the store and don't pay for it, that's illegal. You're not allowed to go into the store, take things, walk out without paying and then say you just don't agree with the basic concept of a store and get to keep the stuff you took. That would be called insane. Recently, USA people learned that for past five years USA president has been spying on USA people without first going to a special court of judges as USA law says the USA president must go to. USA people only know this because a USA newspaper found out and told USA people. USA president and spies got mad that USA people learned USA president and spies were spying on them because they said now the bad people know USA is spying on them. Some people asked USA president if it was logical to assume the bad people suspect they are probably being spied on by USA even without a newspaper article, given how bad and evil they are. USA president said that's beside the point and assured USA people that USA was not spying on them, just the people breaking USA laws. Some people asked if this meant USA president and spies were spying on themselves. USA president didn't think this was funny. USA president said he figured the best way to get rid of these bad people is for USA president to break USA laws for as long as it takes to get rid of the bad people. USA president said he didn't know long it could take to do this but it could take a really long time. USA president said that because his breaking of USA laws is to stop other people from breaking USA laws it is okay for him to break USA laws because he's breaking them only to stop other people from breaking them. USA president said he likes USA laws a lot even though he's breaking them, is only breaking them to keep them from getting broken, and promised USA people he would stop breaking them as soon as it was no longer necessary to break them to keep other people from breaking them. But until then, he said, it's very important USA people don't know USA president is breaking USA laws or which because the bad people will find out and then USA president won't be able to use breaking USA laws as a tool to stop other people from breaking USA laws. Then USA president asked USA people and newspapers to not ask or wonder anything about what USA president is doing or what laws he's breaking until he's all done breaking them and then he'll tell USA people what he did and if it worked. I hope this explanation helps, Tispaquin. It's sort of like the reason the Pilgrims used to saw your head off in 1675. Don't go too thick with the bear grease for mosquitoes. The sinew stitching around your neck needs to be kept aerated to prevent secondary infection.


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