Neo-Darwinian Tispaquin

Dear Universal Translator,

As one of very few Massachusetts icons, except perhaps Ted Williams in 2300, to have his head successfully reattached after 334 years, I guess I have achieved some type of ... is it Darwinian? ... milestone. How should I best use it in these strange and different times I find myself living today, in southeastern Massachusetts, down the street from Corsini's Auto Supply on Route 28?

All the best,

Tispaquin

Universal Translator Responds:

Tispaquin,

Make sure to keep applying salve daily to the deer sinew holding your neck to your recently reattached head. In general, once heads are reattached, they tend to heal themselves. Seemingly odd thoughts, notions, aspirations and other fleeting mental sensations indicate your nerves are reconnecting and resuming communications. Try to remember, if possible, that the Dunkin' Donuts at the Route 28 rotary in Middleborough and all of them have incredibly overpriced coffee and they put way too much sugar in it. The places are total rip-offs. The jelly doughnuts only have jelly at the outlet of the little hole where they are supposed to fill the whole thing with jelly. And they think you won't notice. They're also stale because they are trucked in from some factory in Belgium on Lynn. And to think Dunkin Donuts started in Randolph, Mass. actually making donuts and real coffee in the shadow of Great Blue Hill and Punkapoag. So don't be tempted. It's not your teeth that will rot out, it's your entire mind. Sisson's Diner in South Middleborough is pretty good though. Give 'em a try.

All Best Regards,

Universal Translator