Friday, July 28, 2006

George W. Bush is the Best

Venezuela is buying $1 billion worth of military equipment from Russia. USA opposes purchase but V and R are going to do it anyways. Presumably if V bought same stuff from USA instead of Russia it would be okay, well not really, because USA would prefer that no countries in western hemisphere except USA have any weapons stronger than a pea shooter. Unless USA arms manufacturers say they really need the business.

Last I checked, Monroe Doctrine did not say USA would be unable to point out South American countries on a map with the names of the countries covered up. USA now has once-in-the-history-of-USA opportunity to make amends with South American countries screwed up by USA meddling, finagling and engineered coup d'etats since 1900. And because of George W. Bush we're doing it by forgetting South America even exists.

GWB is so occupied in Mideast that he can't even think about South America. Good. Very Good. Because every time USA has ever thought about South America it has turned out extremely bad for South American people in the sense that they killed in large numbers in unmarked ditches. Go Mideast! Go Mideast!

And how about that Colombian cocaine. Is it possible to imagine a policy initiative more idiotic than to meddle in the affairs of a foreign country solely because your wealthiest citizens love to do big fat rails of cocaine and you are too lazy to arrest them or make the shit legal?

3 in 4 US persons sent and paid to go to Colombia to eradicate cocaine, cocaine dealers, coca fields and coca growers winds up doing the stuff sometimes ... well ... because ... well ... the stuff is all over the place and it's dirt cheap and gold and how can I get arrested when I'm the one in charge of snuffing out the crap?

When a guy consults his wife who consults an astrologer to determine what the guy should do with 10,000 nuclear bombs and the guy's wife who consults the astrologer tells him he should say drugs are the real problem, doesn't that make chewing coca leaves sound a bit sane by comparison?

And how about those obscure Orinoco River hallucinogenics that make you puke for 2 weeks before you get high?

Lessons of April 19, 1775

In 2006 we are witnessing the finite limits of "projection of power" via military means. No matter how asymmetrical, any projection of power always reaches a point where it dissipates and is no longer effective.

Some goals simply cannot be achieved by military means, such as creating a democratic USA friendly utopia in Iraq by ... bombing the hell out of the place. Or creating a democratic, Israel-friendly utopia in southern Lebanon by ... bombing the hell out of the place.

The US adventure in Iraq and now the Israeli adventure in southern Lebanon are pointing to just how hard and stubborn the limits of military power can be in the 21st century. Military force, when actually used, is proving to be incredibly ineffective at achieving the goals for which it was employed. The robust international arms trade is erasing the asymmetry which used to allow Power A to completely overwhelm Power B, especially when Power A is being forced to engage Power B on Power B's home turf.

In the 1960s it cost millions of dollars to have a tiny fraction of the computing power of the computer on which I am now writing this. The same trend has occurred in weapons and will continue. While US or Israeli weapons (for example) may be this year's state of the art, and Hezbollah's weapons were the state of the art 5 years ago, the difference between the two is shrinking rapidly. This means that even poor countries or non-countries now have access to weapons that are extremely formidable and quite cheap. If this technological curve continues to flatten, which it appears will happen, the deciding factor in military actions will shift from superior technology to superior strategy. And because a defender does not have to worry about calls to "bring the troops home," it will always have an advantage over an aggressor from far away who is forced to "do the job quick, don't lose any soldiers, and don't kill any civilians."

These factors played an important role in Lexington, Massachusetts on April 19, 1775.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Why Does Lead Melt on Venus?

The surface temperature of Venus is 850 F.

The melting point of lead is 622 F.

Lead is a liquid on Venus.

The atmosphere of Venus is 96 percent carbon dioxide.

Why is Venus so hot that lead is a liquid on its surface?

USA president and USA Congress do not know the answer.

But they know any scientist who claims to know is a liar.

Do you know?

Around 250 B.C. the scientist Eratosthenes calculated the Earth's circumference to within 5 percent accuracy with nothing more than a stick, a well and the geometric principle of similar triangles. Eratosthenes was aware that at noon on the summer solstice in Syene, Libya one could see the reflection of the sun in a very deep desert well. Yet, on the same day, a straight stick in Alexandria, Egypt cast a measurable shadow. Obviously, the sun was more "directly" overhead at Syene than at Alexandria at noon on the solstice. Using nothing but the difference in the length and angle of the shadows observed in Alexandria and Syene and the distance from Alexandria to Syene, Eratosthenes very accurately estimated the circumference of the Earth. The key to his method was the principle of similar triangles. The genius of Eratosthenes' technique was that in order to prove him wrong one had to prove his measurements wrong, deny the entire concept of similar triangles, or be a willful liar.

Does any of this sound vaguely reminiscent or remotely familiar?

It is fair to ask now, given the bile and invective hurled at thousands of scientists diligently researching human-induced climate change, if American society in 2006 has become several orders of magnitude dumber than the ancient society which produced and educated Eratosthenes in 250 B.C.

The quick answer is no -- given that a third grade girl in 1999 correctly warned that expoxied bolts might not be able to support 2,800 pound concrete slabs suspended from the roofs of the Big Dig tunnel project in Boston, Mass. [see post immediately below].

The quick answer is yes -- given that the world's largest engineering firm, Bechtel, approved the same epoxied bolts questioned by the third grade girl.

On July 10, 2006 nine of the epoxied bolts failed and dropped 45,000 pounds of concrete onto a Boston motorist, killing her instantly. The little girl was right. Bechtel was wrong. This essay deals with the critical question of why a third grade girl has been proven smarter than the largest engineering firm on Earth.

The methods and philosophy used by scientists to study Earth's climate today are identical to those employed by Eratosthenes to successfully compute the Earth's circumference. Based on their own statements, claims made by purveyors of the shrillest outrage about climate change exhibit one of two characteristics: (a) They have no understanding of the scientific method, or; (b) They are willful liars.

Concerns about human-induced climate change are founded upon the same scientific laws taught in high school chemistry and physic classes. To question the entire concept of human-induced climate change requires one to declare fraudulent the chemistry and physics curricula taught in every American high school during the entire 20th century. To summarize.

Fire is an exothermic chemical reaction. Rapidly oxidized hydrocarbons produce water vapor, carbon dioxide and heat energy. In the Earth's atmosphere, carbon dioxide has the physical property of trapping and storing heat energy. Atmospheric temperature is a measurement of the heat energy present in Earth's atmosphere. If the amount of carbon dioxide in Earth's atmosphere increases, the ability of the atmosphere to store heat energy increases. That's it.

People who claim human-induced climate change is a "lie" force themselves into the position of explaining why the surface atmosphere of the planet Venus is hot enough to melt lead. The very thick atmosphere of Venus is 96 percent carbon dioxide. Not only do the laws of physics and chemistry predict the surface temperature of Venus based on the carbon dioxide content of its atmosphere, these laws provide the only plausible explanation for the observed temperature on the surface of Venus.

The scientific method is built upon establishing the maximum number of independent lines of evidence which support a hypothesis, the idea being that a stool with ten legs is more stable than a stool with one leg. This was the genius of Eratosthenes and ancient Greek science. Because the geometric principle of similar triangles could be shown in so many different and independent ways, Eratosthenes could use this principle to calculate the Earth's circumference in a manner which was essentially unrefutable. To deny Eratosthenes' findings, one had to deny hundreds and thousands of other independent lines of evidence which support the principle of similar triangles. In order to remove even one leg of the 1,000 legged stool which supported Eratosthene's conclusions, one had to remove all 1,000 of them.

People today who call climate change a "lie" face the same challenge. They have to prove that humans do not produce fires, that fires do not produce carbon dioxide, that carbon dioxide is not a greenhouse gas, that the atmosphere of Venus is not made of carbon dioxide and the surface temperature of Venus is not hot enough to melt lead. Given these hurdles, it would be easier to argue that NASA never put men on the moon.

From a scientific standpoint, to say "I just don't buy the concept of greenhouse gasses and climate change" is identical to saying "I just don't buy the concept that fire produces carbon dioxide" or "I just don't buy the concept of similar triangles." Eratosthenes certainly was aware some of his contemporaries might not "buy" the concept that Earth is round. Through the ingenious nature of his experiment, Eratosthenes forced any skeptics into a position where if they did not buy his conclusion that the Earth was round they were forced to reject hundreds and thousands of independent and unrelated findings -- none of which had anything to do with the shape or size of the Earth.

So when our USA president says he doesn't "buy" the concept that human carbon dioxide emissions can alter the Earth's atmosphere and climate, he is saying that he doesn't "buy" the concept that fires are hot. This means the USA president is either a drooling moron or a willful liar.

People who say they don't "buy" the concept of human-induced climate change are unable to square their position with independent lines of scientific knowledge that have nothing to do with the topic, ie. the measured surface temperature of Venus. To deny the entire concept of greenhouse gasses one must propose an alternative explanation for the measured surface temperature of Venus. If people say "that has nothing to do with the subject" they are either drooling morons or willful liars [saying Venus is closer to the Sun would put a person in the drooling moron category. Venus is hotter than Mercury.]

The drooling moron/willful liar camp states that any observed changes in Earth's climate are "natural" and have no connection to human activities. This claim is identical to saying that because people often die of natural causes it cannot be proven that murder exists.

If one claims that Earth's climate can change due to natural causes one is obliged to explain those causes in detail. What are they? How do they operate? What are the fundamental physical and chemical forces which cause them? Then one must show how it is impossible for human activities to trigger the same physical and chemical forces as volcanoes.

Willful liars love volcanoes. Volcanoes are 100 percent natural and spew great amounts of carbon dioxide into the Earth's atmosphere when they erupt. Why does it matter if volcanoes spew CO2 in the Earth's atmosphere? Because this spewage is a "natural" source of the greenhouse gas carbon dioxide. How could this fact have any relevance to a person who states they "just don't buy the concept" that carbon dioxide emissions can alter Earth's climate? It can't be relevant -- unless they are Willful Liars.

To cite examples of natural climate change in Earth's history requires one to admit that Earth's climate can change. To claim that carbon dioxide from volcanoes can change Earth's climate requires one to admit that carbon dioxide emissions can alter Earth's climate. Coal and oil burned by humans generate carbon dioxide. It goes into the air.This is the same air that carbon dioxide from volcanoes goes into. The volume of human-produced carbon dioxide emissions are well within the range of carbon dioxide emissions from volcanoes. So if carbon dioxide from volcanoes can alter Earth's climate, then carbon dioxide from people burning coal and oil can alter Earth's climate.

Climate change Willful Liars walk into the same LaBrea tarpit inhabited by their creationist friends who claim the Earth was made 6,000 years ago. These drooling morons attempt to discredit evolution by toting around fuzzy photos of human footprints allegedly superimposed on dinosaur footprints. Yet they cannot explain why their entire Bible lacks a single mention of these enormous land lizards, which based upon their own "irrefutable evidence" walked all over the Earth right alongside humans.

This raises the basic question of insanity. The most ardent climate change deniers are also creationists who claim the Earth was created about 6,000 years ago. These people log onto Creationist Bulletin Board A to provide reams of "evidence" which proves the Earth did not exist until 6,000 years ago. The next evening they log on to the Climate Change Hoax Bulletin Board and argue that "evidence" from 100,000 years ago clearly shows that the Earth's climate was changing well before human beings had discovered fire.

The Medieval European Church could not accommodate the empirical and mathematical findings of Copernicus which strongly suggested the Earth revolves around the Sun and the apparent movement of the Sun around the Earth is because the Earth rotates on its own axis. The Church should have had no problem accepting this new information had it not declared the Sun revolves around the Earth and Everything the Church Says is Infallible. This mistake forced the Medieval Church to declare that human knowledge itself was the Enemy unless it Conformed to the Infallible Position of the Church. This idiotic position kept Europe in the Dark Ages for almost 1,000 years while the new religion of Islam preserved and advanced the body of mathematical and scientific knowledge assembled by the ancient Greeks.

It does not matter whether climate change skeptics of today are drooling morons or willful liars. What matters is that they now have occupied the position of the European Medieval Church. Like the Medieval Church, they have staked out a position which, if proven true, requires all of the most basic scientific laws to be false. Like the Medieval Church, these folks have no interest in promoting research into the deeper mechanisms of climate change because they just don't want to know.

If compelling scientific evidence indicated that recent climate trends are in fact due to natural causes, scientists would be the first to want to know. Those scientists who have expressed the deepest concern about the human impacts of recent climate trends would be relieved if irrefutable data show the Earth is going through a climate change which has absolutely nothing to do with human activities. Such data would allow these scientists to shift their entire effort to devising ways to help people and nations prepare survive this natural change.

Even if one accepts the Willful Liars' premise that climate changes now occurring are solely due to natural causes, there is no question these changes are measurable, real and could be extremely damaging to humans and human societies. Accepting the Willful Liars' premise, the Willful Liars should be arguing for increased -- not decreased -- research effort into the root causes of these climate changes if only to discern how severe impacts may be, where they will occur and how humans can best prepare for them. But the Willful Liars do not encourage scientific research on the root causes of climate change -- they actively oppose it. Why?

The Willful Liars are identical to the Medieval Church. They would rather halt scientific inquiry than alter their stated doctrines in response to scientific information. If a Copernicus arises they would rather put him down than listen. If an Eratosthenes arrives, they would prefer to take his wooden stick away before he has a chance to measure the Earth's circumference and interfere with Infallible Church Doctrine. The Willful Liars, like the Medieval Church, are fundamentally hostile to science because it is not under their direct control. Young children are the most curious organisms on Earth. Curiosity is innate in humans. Curiosity causes children to ask questions and seek out answers. Like the Medieval Church, the Willful Liars view questions with hostility, since according to them all conceivable questions have long ago been answered. This is why the Willful Liars stand in opposition to the most fundamental attributes and aspirations of human beings: the desire to know.

Little children with the minds of Copernicus, Eratosthenes, Newton and Pythagoras are being born on Earth like weeds every day. The human genome appears designed to produce them. Many have of these children have been killed by bombs in Lebanon and Iraq during the past weeks. We'll never know how many Galileo's have just been killed because they are dead.

The Willful Liar has a parasitic relationship with the Drooling Moron. Without a steady supply of Drooling Morons, the Willful Liars are the Duke and Dauphin of Huckleberry Finn -- tarred, feathered and run out of town as soon as they run out of fools to fleece.

The power of the scientific method -- as exemplified by Eratosthenes -- is that we humans can discern extremely powerful insights about our lives, our planet and the Universe we live in with nothing more than our minds. Eratosthenes accurately computed the circumference of the Earth in 250 B.C. with nothing a wooden stick, a deep well and the principle of similar triangles. Our USA president and Congress, with full access to the largest scientific arsenal the world has ever known, cannot figure out why the surface of Venus is hot enough to melt lead, even though the answer is given in every science book assigned to USA eighth grade students.

Monday, July 24, 2006

US Bombs Bomb US People

By Kevin Krolicki

DETROIT - An Arab-American civil rights group filed a federal lawsuit on Monday charging the Bush administration with failing to protect the lives of thousands of U.S. citizens trapped in Lebanon by the Israeli military offensive.

The lawsuit, which was filed by the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee, seeks an emergency court order that would compel the U.S. government to stop sending weapons to Israel as long as U.S. citizens are trying to leave Lebanon.

The group also is asking for an injunction that would force Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to request a ceasefire and an order that U.S. officials "increase their evacuation efforts and use all resources at their disposal," including more military transports and commercial charters.

"This is not an issue of the Israel and Lebanese conflict. We're only addressing the issue of United States citizens' concerns for being free from harm," Nabih Ayad, lead lawyer for the ADC, told reporters.

The suit, which names Rice and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld as defendants, charges the United States mismanaged efforts to evacuate U.S. citizens from Lebanon after Israel launched a military offensive against the Hizbollah militia in response to the kidnapping of two Israeli soldiers.

A U.S. Justice Department spokesman said the government had not been served with the lawsuit and could not comment. A State Department official defended the U.S. government's evacuation efforts.

The State Department said about 25,000 Americans were in Lebanon when the hostilities started and that 13,600 had been evacuated as of Monday.

I Wuv U Mean Drunk Daddy

USA leaders are like dad who drinks all the time, blows all of family's money, hits kids and spouse and pukes on the kitchen floor and says, "You have to love me because I'm your father."

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Cease Fire Requires More Bombing

"'It is very important to establish conditions under which a ceasefire can take place. We believe that a ceasefire is urgent,' Rice said before a refueling stop in Shannon, Ireland. 'It is important to have conditions that will make it also sustainable,' Rice said. The United States has resisted calls for an immediate ceasefire, saying any cessation of hostilities must address the root causes of the conflict." -- Reuters. July 23, 2006.

So ... in order to even begin negotiating a cease fire, it is very important that more bombs be dropped on kids. And if more bombs are not dropped on kids, a cease fire will not "work."


For past two weeks, USA has been desperately needed to be the COP who arrives at two houses where the adults are shooting at each other and killing each others' kids over some dispute and stop them long enough to at least get the kids to safety. Lebanese children are not agents of Israel or Hezbollah. They are innocent kids in a deadly cross-fire. So why is USA Dr. C. Rice acting like COP who says, "Well, it's probably best to let them shoot it out and the one who gets it worst will finally give up and leave town."? To where? Is Dr. C. Rice handing out money so Palestine, Lebanese and Israeli kids can hire taxis? And BOATS?

I don't get Dr. C. Rice, Secretary of State of USA. In three years, USA has gone from starting meaningless wars in Mideast with the stated goal of stopping future wars in Mideast to now watching a new war erupt in the Mideast and saying it would be BAD if this new War was stopped too soon.

I wonder if Dr. C. Rice et al. actually care about future and welfare of any Mideast people, or if they are all pawns in some weird USA game. I lack the animus to hate any people in this supremely tortured place in the world, even though the soil there is so soaked with stupidly spilled blood the plants need no liquid rain. I do have a problem with people treating innocent childrens' lives like expendable chess pieces, to be blown to pieces and their very deaths ignored all to serve some 'greater goal' that nobody can articulate. To do nothing while kids are being killed presumes that at least you have a plan, which presumes it is a plan you can clearly and forcefully articulate while the poor kids are having their limbs blown off. Here there is no plan, nobody can articulate a plan, nobody who has a plan is willing to subject it to public scrutiny, and yet this bloodbath is justified by Dr. C. Rice, Sec. of State, solely on the basis that it somehow fulfills a larger "plan" that she knows well but won't tell us about. What the hell is it? If you cannot disclose it, it can't be a very good @#$% plan or you would be proud enough to tell us about it. Right now it sounds like the plan is to turn a lot of future Lebanese Ph.D's and moms and dads who are now 2 years old into human hamburger. You need a HELLUVA plan to justify this rotten slaughter, yet none has been proferred.

What if de-limbing infants is the plan?

What if these tiny children are dying for nothing?

At least if their food was destroyed by locusts we could blame a bug with compound eyes.

But what happens when we actually say it's useful to the USA for this slaughter to happen?

What does that say about our patriotic country music songs played at state fairs and baseball games?

What does that say about people who wrote them, sing them and sing along to them?

It's not polite in USA to sing songs criticizing USA but USA born people do it a lot. They always get yelled at for it and are told to leave USA. Most songs criticizing USA are made by USA people, born in USA. Like Bruce Springsteen. USA has lots to be proud of today because USA people and law come down hard on people who persecute, harass or injure other people just because they are different or have come from other places to live in USA. USA is still most tolerant and free country of any large country in the world comprised mostly of immigrants.

But some people in USA get confused between symbol of USA and action of USA. Symbol of USA is flag. Action of USA is hauling some Aryan Nation skinhead jerk to jail for harassing an innocent citizen of USA because they moved to USA 50 years after skinhead jerk's parents. Flag is symbol that USA doesn't tolerate Aryan Nation jerks capping local Sikh taxi driver because they are so dumb they think India is the same as Iraq. USA Flag is unique USA symbol because it is self-referential. USA flag symbolizes sacred right of USA people to say things that other people might not like including stepping on USA flag itself. If USA people could not do this, USA flag itself would be meaningless, since USA flag is symbol of sacred right of USA people to be free to express themselves. USA is only country to have such a self-referential national cloth symbol.

Tolerance of desecrating USA flag is burned into USA Constitution because prior to USA and under England, demonstrating any disrespect for a symbol of the English King was considered the same as punching the King himself. USA founders rightfully found this stupid and idiotic and set forth in law there is a very big difference from spitting on a picture of the King and spitting on the King himself. They got this concept from the ancient Greeks, who helped found the entire concept of logical types, ie. the distinction between the symbol and the object it symbolizes. Read your @#$% Plato !!! Thomas Jefferson did and he still managed to create a new country in his spare time.

Funny is that nobody gets mad if USA citizen burns copy of USA Constitution or Declaration of Independence. Nobody has ever proposed law against that. Why? Because burning USA Constitution says person doesn't like USA Constitution, which says in very large letters in First Amendment that USA people have right to burn USA Constitution. Then person looks like an idiot. No person ever gets in trouble for burning copy of USA law books. Why? Cause person looks like an idiot. Only an idiot would burn law books that protect the right of person to burn law books. Person would look really dumb.

Only USA people who actually do love USA ever burn USA flags. They burn USA flags because they love USA and feel that USA is going in wrong direction. Genius of USA Constitution is that USA allows this act because it is healthy. USA founders knew that when USA people are put in jail for burning USA flag, then USA is in deep shit.

If Aryan Nation crackheads want to burn USA flag for allowing mud people to ride on trains alongside pure Aryan Nation Nordic genetic seed, that it is their right under USA Constitution. Greatest moment in recent USA history was when USA judge allowed Aryan Nation crackheads to have a parade in Skokie, Illinois even though whole city didn't want them. Founding Fathers were not idiots. They knew that bad, horrible, stupid and hateful ideas were most easily expunged by letting them be fully expressed. As physicist Richard Feynman said, the most important job of a physicist is to prove yourself wrong as quickly as possible.


"I was a Republican ... until they lost their minds." -- Charles Barkley, July 2006.

"I was wrong to have voted for George W. Bush. In historic terms, I believe George W. Bush is the worst two-term President in the history of the country. Worse than Grant. I also believe a case can be made that he's the worst President, period."

-- Doug McIntyre, Host, McIntyre in the Morning
Talk Radio 790 KABC, Los Angeles. July 2006.

"Do not use open flame to check for propane leaks."

-- Sticker on Weber gas grill. July 2006.

Why oh Why Do I Lie?

A brief news post while Tispaquin rests from an arduous day of smoking his pipe at the Wading Place, blaspheming the Sabbath, and telling lies ...

Washington Post. (07-22-06) 04:00 PDT Washington -- Faced with almost daily reports of sectarian carnage, Republicans are shifting their message on the war in Iraq from optimistic talk of progress to acknowledging serious problems and pointing up mistakes in planning and execution.

Rep. Gil Gutknecht, R-Minn., once a strong supporter of the war, returned from Iraq this week declaring that conditions in Baghdad were far worse "than we'd been led to believe," and urging that troop withdrawals begin immediately.

Other Republican lawmakers acknowledge that it is no longer tenable to say the news media is ignoring the good news in Iraq and painting an unfair picture of the war.

"It's like after (Hurricane) Katrina, when the secretary of Homeland Security was saying all those people weren't really stranded (at the New Orleans civic center) when we were all watching it on TV," said Rep. Patrick McHenry, R-N.C. "I still hear about that. We can't look like we won't face reality."

"Essentially, what the White House is saying is, 'Stay the course, stay the course,' " Gutknecht said. "I don't think that course is politically sustainable."

During a debate last month, Gutknecht intoned, "Members, now is not the time to go wobbly." This week, he conceded "I guess I didn't understand the situation," saying that a partial troop withdrawal now would "send a clear message to the Iraqis that the next step is up to you."

Republicans, especially those in swing districts, had no choice but to shift the emphasis of their war talk, lawmakers said.


Stopping Torture: A Tortuous Task

Dear Universal Translator,

The mosquitoes have dropped off a lot at the Wading Place with the coming of August moon. They're still pretty thick with all this rain. To keep my head reattachment area from getting swollen and infected with bites, I've spent some time inside the long house reviewing your internet thing and have a question. USA says it went to desert place, Iraq, to stop insane Sachem there from killing and torturing his own people, Iraqi people. Pictures on internet show USA warriors took over evil prison where Hussein tortured Iraqi people, USA then released the Iraqi people from the prison, then caught different Iraqi people and brought them to same prison and tortured them. I'm so confused I can't even think of the question I wanted to ask. Perhaps it was about deer flies.


Universal Translator Responds

Dear Tispaquin,

Do not feel confused by your confusion. It is a natural part of the new interface developing between your reattached head and its surroundings. As the head leaves, the body writhes. As the body breathes, the head revives. Try repeating this mantra during your daily post-op neck twisting therapy. To your question. the Insane Sachem of Iraq, Hussein, tortured Iraqi people to make them confess they were bad and to tell Hussein where to find other bad Iraqi people. In sharp contrast, the USA only tortures Iraqi people to make them confess they are bad and to tell USA where to find other bad Iraqi people. Your pre-head-detachment experiences with the goodmen of Plymouth may be of assistance in gleaning this critical, but oft-misunderstood distinction.

Yours as your Reattached Head pitches and yaws (a good thing),

Universal Translator

Is Reporting Illegal Things Illegal?

Dear Universal Translator,

Tispaquin here again. Today at the Wading Place under Route 105 bridge in Middleborough I saw a crayfish and also thought of a question. If it is illegal for USA to illegally spy on USA people is it also illegal for USA newspaper to tell USA people USA is spying on them illegally? I don't want to lose my head over this, since I lost my head 331 years ago over similar stuff and the deer sinews around my neck are nice and flexible, they don't itch too much and are doing a good job of keeping my head on straight, literally.

Thank you in advance,


Universal Translator Responds:


It is illegal for USA to spy on USA people unless a special court of USA judges hears USA's reasons for spying on USA people and thinks reasons are very important. Only if these judges say okay can the US start spying. If the judges say no, then USA can't spy. If the USA spies anyways, USA is breaking USA law. If USA does not go to the special court of USA judges before spying on USA people, USA is breaking USA law. It's like going into a store. The basic concept of a store is that nothing in the store belongs to you unless you pay the store for what you take out of the store. If you take something from the store and don't pay for it, that's illegal. You're not allowed to go into the store, take things, walk out without paying and then say you just don't agree with the basic concept of a store and get to keep the stuff you took. That would be called insane. Recently, USA people learned that for past five years USA president has been spying on USA people without first going to a special court of judges as USA law says the USA president must go to. USA people only know this because a USA newspaper found out and told USA people. USA president and spies got mad that USA people learned USA president and spies were spying on them because they said now the bad people know USA is spying on them. Some people asked USA president if it was logical to assume the bad people suspect they are probably being spied on by USA even without a newspaper article, given how bad and evil they are. USA president said that's beside the point and assured USA people that USA was not spying on them, just the people breaking USA laws. Some people asked if this meant USA president and spies were spying on themselves. USA president didn't think this was funny. USA president said he figured the best way to get rid of these bad people is for USA president to break USA laws for as long as it takes to get rid of the bad people. USA president said he didn't know long it could take to do this but it could take a really long time. USA president said that because his breaking of USA laws is to stop other people from breaking USA laws it is okay for him to break USA laws because he's breaking them only to stop other people from breaking them. USA president said he likes USA laws a lot even though he's breaking them, is only breaking them to keep them from getting broken, and promised USA people he would stop breaking them as soon as it was no longer necessary to break them to keep other people from breaking them. But until then, he said, it's very important USA people don't know USA president is breaking USA laws or which because the bad people will find out and then USA president won't be able to use breaking USA laws as a tool to stop other people from breaking USA laws. Then USA president asked USA people and newspapers to not ask or wonder anything about what USA president is doing or what laws he's breaking until he's all done breaking them and then he'll tell USA people what he did and if it worked. I hope this explanation helps, Tispaquin. It's sort of like the reason the Pilgrims used to saw your head off in 1675. Don't go too thick with the bear grease for mosquitoes. The sinew stitching around your neck needs to be kept aerated to prevent secondary infection.

Putin on the Ritz

Dear Universal Translator

USA president recently went to Russia and told Russian President that Russia should consider being more like Iraq. Russian President said Russia did not want to have the kind of democracy they have in Iraq, to be quite honest. Then people in audience laughed. Why didn't USA president say Russia should be more like USA? Is Russian President also comedian?



Universal Translator Responds:

Despite a recent software upgrade, latest Universal Translator version is not yet capable of translating all statements by USA president into logically decipherable language units. UT algorithms deployed on USA president statement inputs still yield unacceptable degrees of gibberish and anomalously high references to the consumption of barbequed food products. USA president talking with mouth full of food confounds phoneme isolation algorithm by making individual syllable units more difficult to discern. UT can find no resources in database to explain USA president not urging Russia president to make Russia more like USA in terms of constitutionally ensured liberties; and no explanation for USA president citing to Iraq today, or in recent past or near future, as societal model Russia or any nation would wish to emulate. Comparison with USA to Russia would offer a more robust fit to USA president's purported point because USA residents today have more legally ensured liberties than Russia residents. USA president may have avoided this comparison because USA president believes constitutional liberties in USA must be curtailed so as to preserve same. Sentence illogic correlation is high (p= 0.79) between this and predecessor USA variants, see: "We must destroy the village to save it." and "Love it or leave it." and "We only spy on people who are up to no good." and "The only good Indian is a dead Indian." (no present offense intended). The UT geopolitical algorithm reveals USA president justifications for liberty-limiting actions correlate well (p= 0.88) with same justifications used by Russian president for Russian model; and shows USA now moving closer to Russia model than vice versa. Long-term irony correlation is near unity (p=0.98) given USA stated objective in "Cold War" (c. 1945-1991) was to bring USA type freedoms to Russia people, not bring Russian type prohibitions of freedoms to USA people. Best fit axiom appears to be that stairways go down as well as up. Remember to avoid making sudden, snapping head movements until your head reattachment convalescence has progressed further. Occasional bouts of confusion are normal and to be expected during the healing process.

Sincerely yours,

Universal Translator

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Neo-Darwinian Tispaquin

Dear Universal Translator,

As one of very few Massachusetts icons, except perhaps Ted Williams in 2300, to have his head successfully reattached after 334 years, I guess I have achieved some type of ... is it Darwinian? ... milestone. How should I best use it in these strange and different times I find myself living today, in southeastern Massachusetts, down the street from Corsini's Auto Supply on Route 28?

All the best,


Universal Translator Responds:


Make sure to keep applying salve daily to the deer sinew holding your neck to your recently reattached head. In general, once heads are reattached, they tend to heal themselves. Seemingly odd thoughts, notions, aspirations and other fleeting mental sensations indicate your nerves are reconnecting and resuming communications. Try to remember, if possible, that the Dunkin' Donuts at the Route 28 rotary in Middleborough and all of them have incredibly overpriced coffee and they put way too much sugar in it. The places are total rip-offs. The jelly doughnuts only have jelly at the outlet of the little hole where they are supposed to fill the whole thing with jelly. And they think you won't notice. They're also stale because they are trucked in from some factory in Belgium on Lynn. And to think Dunkin Donuts started in Randolph, Mass. actually making donuts and real coffee in the shadow of Great Blue Hill and Punkapoag. So don't be tempted. It's not your teeth that will rot out, it's your entire mind. Sisson's Diner in South Middleborough is pretty good though. Give 'em a try.

All Best Regards,

Universal Translator

Tispaquin Asks .. Ch. 2

Head reattached after 334 years, the Black Sachem of Middleborough asks ...

Again reading your 'internet thing' I see many people saying USA should drop lots of bombs to send a message. Do these bombs have messages inside them? How are messages in bombs not all burned by explosion and fire when bomb explodes? Are bombs meant to explode or are those bombs that did not work right? Does bomb have a little door and red flag with message inside? Is USA bombs like USA Mail Box ? How do people find message in bomb if house falls on top of bomb? Do bombs come with shovels?


Universal Translator Response:

Dear Tispaquin,

Given your head reattachment has just been completed, it is good to see you are working so diligently to come up to speed on current events around Assawompsett and beyond. Bombs are designed to send a message called "Boom." The message "Boom" was carefully selected because it translates into so many languages. When a bomb goes "Boom" it can mean "You're Dead" or "Your Kids Are Dead" or "There Goes the Neighborhood" or "You Weren't Using Those Legs Anyways." Sometimes the message in the "Boom" means if you don't do exactly what the person dropping the bomb wants you to do, there will be a lot more "Booms." Sometimes the message in "Boom" mean we hate you and we want to kill you no matter what you do. These two different "Booms" can be hard to tell apart because they sound a lot alike. This is still being worked on.


Universal Translator

Tispaquin Asks ... Ch. 1

Head reattached after 334 years, Tispaquin writes:

A brief tour of your ... "internet thing" ... this a.m. seems to show a lot of people in USA think solution to all problems is to bomb all other countries who don't agree with USA and to label as "wimps and traitors" all countries who don't like USA bombing all other countries who don't agree with USA. Does USA have enough bombs to bomb everyone they want to bomb and, if necessary, everyone who doesn't think USA should bomb all the people USA wants to bomb? Sounds like a lot of bombs.

Universal Translator Response

Dear Tispaquin,

It is a lot of bombs. USA has lots of bombs. But most are of such a scary type, called nuclear, that we can't really use them, so they sit around and rust. Some USA people are so mad about all these expensive scary bombs just sitting around rusting and not killing people that they want to use them just so they won't go to waste. In your 1600s time this would be like you saying you can kill someone because you're way bigger than them and so they should give you all their venison or you'll kill them. And then you kill them. This is the origin of the phrase "nuke 'em" which you may hear if you turn on a talk radio station from Boston, followed by an advertisement for Giant Glass, 1-800-54-GIANT. Giant Glass is not a giant made of glass.

Sincerely Yours,

Universal Translator

For Example ...

Some dumbwad Congressman from Tennessee just gave a speech on the "floor" of the U.S. Congress demanding a Constitutional Amendment that adultery be a felony crime. Amazingly, he said other dumb stuff too.

This entry allows Tispaquin to introduce the 1600s Dumb Ass Metric in which we rate statements made in 2006 for "relative stupidity and retrograde evolution" as measured against the Numb Nuts who lived in the Massachusetts Bay Colony during the late 1600s. And the rating (on a scale of 1-10) is ... 8. The Dumb Nut Congressman from Tennessee does not rate a full 10 because he only calls for adultery to be a felony crime, rather than a capital crime. In 1600s Massachusetts, adultery was a capital crime, but the sentences were never carried out because lots of people where shtupping each others' spouses, daughters, maids, slaves, indentured servants etc.

And the Point Is ?

This blog inaugurates the long-awaited head reattachment of Tispaquin, and is just one facet of his pending Revenge for being headless for 334 years. Hard to get revenge without a head. Talk about a detached retina. How about a detached head? It is nice to know that the Pilgrims fleeing from religious persecution in England managed to bring with them the Continent's old-time Inquisition style execution traditions, like head lopping, putting severed heads onto metal spikes in the town square and chopping peoples' bodies into small, bloody ragged parts. The best we can say about these nutjobs was that they were sometimes ecumenical -- 20 years after they Cuisinarted Tispaquin they Judge Roy Beaned 19 of their own with full frontal executions in Salem, Mass. (including pressing an old man, Giles Corey, to death in a wooden rack heaped with big heavy rocks) solely on the testimony of some teenage girls who thought Salem in 1690 was like way boring. So now with Tispaquin's head reattached, this tiny dollop of server space can be squandered by carelessly and uncritically examining, through Tispaquin's reattached head, how various events whirling around us today are as idiotic as things were in the Massachusetts Bay Colony in the late 1600s.

Who the Hell is Tispaquin?

Tispaquin, from what we know today, was a big guy for the 1600s, like in tall and muscular. Sort of a native American Nikolai Volkov or a Ken Norton or Shaquille O'Neill. Actually Robert Parrish. Yeah. Robert Parrish. The Chief. Sorta like that. Point is that nobody messed with him. He was born around Nemasket, now called Middleborough, Massachusetts in the mid 1600s. A native of the area, Tispaquin would today be called a Nemasket Indian, or a member of the Nemasket group of the Wampanoag or Pokonoket. The Wampanoag, led by Massasoit, were HQ'd at Montaup, alongside the mouth of the Taunton River in what is now Bristol, Rhode Island. Tispaquin was a contemporary of Massasoit's two sons, Wamsutta (Alexander to the pilgrims) and Pometacom (Phillip to the pilgrims). Massasoit was the dude who fed the Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving in Plymouth in 1620. Tispaquin and Pometacom were simpatico and apparently became friends and confidants. As Tispaquin entered adulthood he became the Sachem, or chief, of Nemasket, the headwaters of the Taunton (Titicut) River in southeastern Mass. He then became known as the Black Sachem of Middleborough. The name apparently came from his skin coloration, which was darker than most of the area Indians. Also, he apparently was a big mofo. When Massasoit died, Wamsutta his oldest son was next in line to be Sachem of the Wampanoags. Wamsutta was then arrested by the Pilgrims, dragged to Plymouth and died in "police custody" under murky circumstances. Put bluntly, Wamsutta entered the Plymouth "Gaol" alive and a few days later left it dead. His younger brother, Pometacom, was not too pleased by these developments even though it meant he was now Sachem. Dead brother and all. As Pometacom took the helm of the Wampanoag nation, he enlisted Tispaquin as an operational confidant, or as a "lieutenant" in the words of English writers were alive and around then. By this time, the early 1670s, the Wampanoag were getting squeezed pretty hard by the increasing numbers of English arriving on the shores of Massachusetts. The squeeze was a predictable combination of all the crap that happens when two immensely disparate cultures are forced by increasing numbers and non-increasing acreage to live nearby each other. Each group most likely felt superior in some ways and inwardly inferior in others. The whole mess devolved into a very bloody war in 1676, now called King Phillip's War. The war, which might have been inevitable anyways, was instigated in great part when Tispaquin was arrested, hauled to Plymouth and executed (drawn and quartered, no less) on the charge that he murdered an Indian named John Sassamon on the ice of Assawompsett Pond. Sassamon was an informer for the English on Pometacom's and the Wampanoag's doings. There was no actual trial. The Plymouthites summarily found Tispaquin culpable for the murder of John Sassamon and sentenced him to a gruesome execution. This pissed off Pometacom a lot and convinced him the English settlers ultimately wished that he and his people would either die and disappear or become completely assimilated into "English" society. This of course would also require Pometacom and his people to be forced to voluntarily give up all rights to their homeland, become tenants of the English, and adopt all matters of English custom, culture and religion and ... essentially disappear off the face of the planet. So Pometacom was pissed. Tispaquin could not be as pissed or as eloquent in his pissed-off-ness because his head had been chopped off in Plymouth. So that's the nutshell.

The Black Sachem Finds His Head

After 334 years, Tispaquin is back, he's found and reattached his bloody, iron pike stabbed head, and he's kinda pissed and could really go for a nice venison steak since now he can chew and stuff. The Black Sachem of Middleborough is ready to make heads roll, other than his own, of course. He's already endured 334 years of that. Talk about a failure to communicate. Where's my bleeding head? is not the question you want to ask every sunrise for 334 consecutive years. So head attached, eyes peeled for a venison burger, stomach connected to mouth, Tispaquin peers into the soot and ground level ozone and strip mall wasteland of southeastern Massachusetts, scratches his matted armpit hair, executes a modest 300 year old belch and ponders the events of the day.